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I recently came back from jogging. It’s shocking to state this fact. I think it could have been ten years since the previous time. But I recently discovered that I have slightly high cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to do sweaty exercise frequently.

It’s the initial instance in my existence that the reason to work out has been my physical health. When I was younger, I jogged because I aimed to lose weight. At times I ran to alleviate feelings of anxiety – I was merely escaping from those feelings, not addressing it. Sometimes, I jogged because I aimed to enhance in running. This was the definition to me then to create an improved existence.

Running for a different reason at present got me thinking about the approaches I’ve connected with my body throughout my life and how this is changing as I move from being a young person to midlife. I don’t think I’ve valued my physical form, not truly. I’ve valued it solely for its capabilities and the aims it fulfilled for me: seeking approval; escaping emotions; running a faster five kilometers. Until today, I failed to grasp that I am my body, it embodies my life, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

Much has been written over the centuries about the separation between body and mind – which it’s comforting to know, I’ll avoid detailing now. What resonated most compelling is the Freudian perspective that consciousness and physique are developmentally integrated from birth, because bodily growth demands mental growth and conversely. The infant’s physical sensations – for example the physical sensation of hunger – motivate consciousness to develop the skill to perceive hunger as a sensation that is alleviated by a feed; and the psychological solace and fulfillment consistently provided by repeated nourishment nourishes the young mind just as the milk nourishes them bodily. So too mental events – for instance the urge to get up and attain a goal, and the determination to attempt repeatedly – are the reason and method physical strength increases. From our earliest moments, mind and body are interlinked in mutual development as integrated as DNA strands.

Yet It’s become clear, in treatment with my psychoanalyst, that my mind and body may exist in a distinct connection – one less integrated and somewhat abusive. My psyche may employ my physical self to hold and display aspects that my mind deems unacceptable or unbearable. In my sessions we realized that exist specific feelings that I fear are too much for me; rather than experiencing them psychologically, I subconsciously shift them into my body, becoming trapped as physical symptoms.

I previously experienced this with indigestion – which had nothing to do with what I’d eaten, but acted as a form of physical reflux of the more acidic feelings I couldn’t digest mentally. It wasn’t an intentional act, but when it was brought to awareness by my analyst, and my dread and insecurity and anger and panic became palpable and put into words in place of transformed into bodily feelings, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems now.

The toughest period I experienced this terrible acid reflux, I failed to rest for several nights in a row. I believed I was slipping away from my mind. I went a general practitioner, who arranged various diagnostic procedures, but there was nothing medically abnormal. It was an alternate medic who informed me that the origin could be mental. My psychoanalyst agreed. I was stunned, but I also knew it was correct.

When a patient endures a bodily issue, it can be upsetting at the suggestion that it may have a mental root. They might feel this as being disrespected, being told that their symptom is fabricated. Certainly such cases occur – some face their symptoms dismissed or wrongly assessed. But in some cases it could be that the physical symptoms are real – no question – and the cause is mental, the unconscious employing the physical self to express some pain or anger or whatever emotion the mind is unable to bear. Occasionally, it’s easy to think our experience matters solely only through expression as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our psychological well-being on a personal level, as a society and within our culture; why else would we tolerate the terrible elimination of mental health treatments in public healthcare?

My experiences have taught me that an improved existence is unattainable if we remain trapped without realization in patterns of interaction, within ourselves and in relationships, that are rooted in disrespect, use and dealings. These interactions are frequently more straightforward to identify “out there” in wider society. It’s perhaps harder to consider their origins, and to see these shapes inside us and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

However it’s worth persevering. When I put my jogging shoes again post a long hiatus, venturing out without aiming for bodily change, or to eliminate a sensation, or to improve a 5km time, {it